The Introduction Chapter to my book “Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story”

I am pleased to release the introduction chapter of my book on my blog! It’s got a couple of jokes in it, you know. No big deal. You can also download it in PDF if that’s what you’re into. Let me know what you think, and pass it along to your friends and enemies.

The book is an adventure comedy about an aspiring TV personality who gets recruited by the CIA to be a distraction, but things quickly get out of hand when he forces himself into their mission and is thrust into saving the world.

Lessons In Debauchery:
The Topher Weyland Story

(PDF DOWNLOAD HERE)

Introduction

My name is Topher Weyland, and if you’re reading this I’m already dead.

Assuming you’re reading this 50+ years after I’ve written it, because I’d be far too old to still be alive. Unless, of course, they’ve made some kind of robot body to put my consciousness in after my human body withers and dies. Then you have to ask, is it really even me anymore?

But those aren’t the questions we’re going to ask or answer in this book. Well, maybe we will ask them later. I can’t say. It never made much sense to me to write the intro after you’ve written the book, and I don’t like playing by the rules. Not even my own. Either way, we definitely won’t answer those questions.

This book is going to be filled with lessons, which are a lot like rules except you don’t have to follow them. Avoid rules. They’re too constraining. There’s no rule book for life, right? If there was, a million idiots would probably buy it.

I love lessons, because unlike rules, you can’t be punished for not following them. My favorite thing about life is you can keep repeating your mistakes until you’re dead or you get a girl pregnant. Luckily I’m sterile, but you’ll learn about that later.

I’d like to say I’m an every man, but I’m not. I’m the type of guy who can’t be grouped in a “type of guy” classification. I’m one-of-a-kind. The purpose of this book is to reach out to the one, or maybe two other men out there who are also one-of-a-kind. (And to gloat about my accomplishments, of course.)

This book will explore the very nature of what it means to be a human. A human man named Topher Weyland. From Sunnyvale, California. Social security ending in 6578.

If you’re curious about how I look, here is a picture of me a computer might make:

computer drawing

Here is a picture of me a small child made:

child drawing

(Just kidding. I drew it, but in the style of a small child. That’s how talented I am)

I’m about to tell you biggest adventure of my life, which has been “my life.” Hell, it’s all been an adventure, right? Even if I’ve only been in one high-speed chase… a day. I’ll also throw in a couple of lessons along the way. The kind of lessons the one person this book is written for can learn from.

For good measure. Here are a couple of lessons everyone can learn from:

  • Don’t touch that.
  • Look out.
  • Don’t write checks that your ass can’t cash, because your ass doesn’t look like its ID picture anymore, which was taken 20 years ago.
  • Pushups are the only exercise worth doing.

Follow me on my journey from a child, to becoming the hottest up-and-coming television personality, to an American spy, to an astronaut, to a sex slave, and all the way back again.

By the end of this book, I promise, you will have read the whole thing.


Let me know what you think and if you’d like to see more chapters. I’ll definitely post more if there’s more demand.

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