5 Things More Likely to Kill You Than a Terrorist Attack or my Drunk Driving Accident

Here’s a parody article I wrote to the type of article “Things more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack.” I didn’t actually get in a drunk driving accident, although I keep trying really hard.


When will there be another attack? How many will lives will be taken this year? Who is this faceless enemy?

It seems that whenever we talk about public safety, our biggest fear is terrorism, or my 2012 drunk driving accident that took the lives of eight high school students.

Although acts of terrorism can be extremely tragic and unsettling, they are actually far less likely to kill you than many other common things, and the chances of me getting behind the wheel and plowing through eight teenagers behind a fence is even less likely, so can we stop treating me like I’m some kind of monster?

Here are five things that are more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack, or my drunk driving:

Drowning in a bathtub

The statistics don’t lie on this one. The risk of being killed by terrorism compared to drowning in a bathtub is 1 in 800,000; That’s much more likely to happen than me being involved in another crash as well, since people take baths everyday. I don’t even drive anymore. I ride my bike, so you guys don’t have to treat me like I’m some kind of serial killer.

Airplane accident

I’m not talking about an airplane accident involving a terrorist. I’m talking about a random malfunction or a bird hitting the jet engine. You wouldn’t treat the bird like a pariah, would you? Those teenagers were drinking too, yet NO ONE brings that up. Why were they even behind that fence? I took that route specifically because no one should have been there.

Car accident

Of course, I’m talking about car crashes other than my 2012 crash. This wasn’t a great example.

Killed by police officer

That’s right! There are more instance of police officers killing innocent people than there are terrorist attacks on US soil. Our very own Officer Martel put thirteen year old Terry Willis in the hospital and you guys practically threw a party for him. I can’t even shop at the local grocery stores anymore without getting my tires slashed. I didn’t expect to come back to open arms, but everyone’s been violently aggressive..

Accidental suffocation/choking

Historically there are more choking or suffocation deaths than any deaths caused by me for drunk driving, so stop calling me the grim reaper.

As you can see, there’s no reason to live in fear, or cough “murderer” when I pass by. If anything I should be pitied. Two of those teenagers were my kids after all.


I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Follow me on twitter @joecabello and like my Facebook page on the right hand sidebar.

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